


A Life Worth Living

by ajexists



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Allergies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anarchy, Angst, Animals, Anxiety, Arson, Attempted Murder, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Writing, Baking, Bullying, Burns, Cats, Cookies, Cooking, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Heterochromia, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Issues, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has PTSD, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Vitiligo, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Mess, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Depressed Morality | Patton Sanders, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Food, Foster Care, Friends to Lovers, High School, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Kid Deceit | Janus Sanders, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Has ADHD, Morality | Patton Sanders Has Feelings, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders Tries, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, Name-Calling, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Panic Attacks, Philosophy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Sarcasm, School, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Snakes, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:35:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27287278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajexists/pseuds/ajexists
Summary: Janus has been giving a bad start to life. He looks like a freak, his mother left, father is abusive, and he overall is just a sarcastic lying jerk. But something happens that pulls him away from his old life, and is able to start fresh. New school, new friends (well friend), many new challenges are ahead. Is Janus able to change his mind and believe his life is worth living?
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Dot/Larry (Cartoon Therapy), Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 113
Kudos: 83





	1. A Fiery Start

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Sooo I am attempting to do a multi chaptered fic for the first time so I hope you like it! Read the tags! This story will be dark! I will add tags as the story progresses. I hope you enjoy this fic!
> 
> Also I’m not doing Logicality? Wowwwwww

_Janus arrived home from school. Even though it was his 13th birthday he still had to attend. Ah, the unlucky number 13. The number lots of people fear, but Janus knows that it’s just a superstition. Nothing bad would happen to him right?_

_Right?_

_He opened the door to see his father passed out on the couch, drunk. **What a shock** Janus thought to himself. He went upstairs to do his homework. _

_He knew that other kids would get thrown big parties, or receive lots of gifts on their birthday, especially 13th. It was a big number! You officially become a teen! You should be able to celebrate! But again, that’s with other kids. Janus was different, not just how he looks (although that’s a huge part of it). He was a bad kid, his father told him so hundreds if not thousands of times. He wasn’t even supposed to be born, and he was born wrong. Janus was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong._

_So wrong he drove his mother away, the day he was born._

_He heard a sharp knocking at the door. He flinched but then opened it up to see his father staring at him, “You’re 13 now huh kid?” His father snarled._

_“I don’t know, am I?” Janus replied, sarcasm clearly in his voice._

_“Shut the fuck up kid and answer the question!”_

_**How can I answer if you just told me to shut up?** Janus thought. He looked at him in the face, “Yes father I am.” _

_“So,” His father started, “13 years since you ruined my life and drove my love away.”_

_“Yes father, that is correct.”_

_“HOW!” His father screamed, “HOW HAVE YOU BEEN AROUND FOR 13 YEARS?” Janus healed back a flinch. Even though he should be used to it, he couldn’t help but not be nervous when his father screamed, or just loud noises in general._

_He swallowed the lump in his throat and answered, “I do not know father, I guess the inevitability of death hasn’t reached me yet.”_

_Ok now he was terrified. His father smiled after that sentence, “Oh. I guess so then.” He then slammed the door behind him as he left. Janus, once again, flinched at the loud noise. But there was nothing he could really do, it’s not like Janus had any friends to talk too. So he simply turned back to continue doing his homework, read up on some books, and headed to bed._

_A fact about Janus, he is always cold. Whether it was just his hands or his entire body he was cold. It really was a *fun* time having his birthday in February. So how did he combat this? He dealt with it. Yeah, his father didn’t care about him being cold, always yelling at him for complaining. “LIVE IN ANTARCTICA WITH NO CLOTHES ON AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING COLD!” So when he felt a warmth surrounding him while sleeping, even in his sleep he was happy._

_But things never stay happy for Janus Zeno._

_Because after a few minutes the warmth started to get unbearable. He felt hot, burning. It didn’t help that he smelled smoke. Janus woke up and his room as a bright orange, smoke all over the place, and his face practically melting. He screamed as loud as he could, hoping that maybe his father would hear! His room was on fire! He was on fire!_

_‘HELLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!”_

_Some of the smoke from the room entered in his lungs, he started coughing. He got out of his bed and tried to get out the window. Janus pushed up the window to come to realize it was locked. He punched the window so hard that the curtain hanger above fell off (stupid old house) and fell across his face. Causing Janus to scream more. He looked out the window to see the police, firefighters, and ambulance lights rushing down the street. He yelled another, “HELP!” before remembering his father’s words._

_~His father smiled after that sentence, “Oh. I guess so then.”~_

_His father must have started the fire, he wanted Janus dead. Janus dropped on the ground sobbing, **what did I do wrong?** Barley hearing the firefighters barge through the door. The last thing he saw was a firefighter in the room, saying something about a kid in the room. He coughed once last time before closing his eyes._


	2. Terry/Mrs. Terry/Mrs. Opal Is Trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! Again I hope you enjoy this story!

Janus bolted up with a scream. He looked around the room and saw he was not at his father’s house.

**Right… haven’t been there in 7 months.**

The firefighters picked Janus up and took him out of the house, immediately taking him to a hospital to treat the burns and the cut. And oh boy was Janus scarred. The cut from the curtain just missed his right eye and went down from the top of his face and close to his mouth. The right side of his face was also badly burnt. The burns going down his face, across the chest and right arm, as well as the right leg. His back being completely burned. Now with the inclusion of his heterochromia, left eye brown right eye green. As well as his vitiligo and stupid “girls name”. Janus’s freak levels went from 100 to infinity. Janus is a freak, a freak who trusted no one.

He found out that his father did start the fire, in a way to attempt to kill him. **Great.** Luckily for him his father was still drunk off his ass and just confessed to everything. The burning, the drinking, and the abuse. Unluckily Janus now had to be put in a foster care/adoption center and was expected to “talk about his feelings”. **Yeah right, like anyone gives a shit about my feelings.** So he sat through it and lied. Even though he knew THEY knew his father was abusive, he insisted that he wasn’t, and was capable of living on his own. He kept denying and ignoring his feelings and issues on the matter, insisting he was fine and nothing was wrong. Knowing full well that if he was fine he wouldn’t wake up screaming in the night. He wouldn’t be afraid of being just a bit warm. He wouldn't be terrified of every loud noise and every accidental touch a person makes.

He wouldn't be lying at almost everything he said and might actually trust people.

But that could never happen. That never will happen. He will just get through life one lie at a time.

The nearest foster care was quite far away from his house so he had to change school districts. He was excused off the last few months of school and was just able to work online. Somehow he passed and was able to move up a grade. It was also easier because he is now a freshman (his father forced him into school early, making him younger than everyone else in his grade, another reason to be bullied).

Janus looked around the room and saw that the time was 5:24am. He decided to **hell with sleep** , and got up and got ready. First day of school and he was already hating it.

He got out of the shower and got dressed, having a small banana to eat.

“Up for school already Janus?”

He flinched and look in the direction of the noise, Mrs. Opal, or Terry as she keeps insisting. She was the one who ran this foster care/adoption center. She was fine according to Janus. Kind sounding enough, even when she’s being annoying with trying to force Janus to speak up. But she was also very blunt about things, which Janus does quite enjoy. Hearing to straight up tell a kid that stressing over everything could cause a heart attack and die… but she did help that same kid out with their anxiety. She just wants the kids to either have foster parents or better yet get adopted.

So Janus doesn’t know why she tries with him.

After a moment Janus finally spoke, “I guess you could say that Mrs. Opal.”

“Sweetheart, just call me Terry, or Mrs. Terry.”

“Sure thing Mrs. Opal.”

Mrs. Opal sighed, “Well are you excited?”

“Ecstatic.” Janus gritted, taking another bite of his banana.

Terry simply stared at Janus, “Well you don’t have to be excited, you are allowed to feel nervous or even scared! I mean, it’s your first time back since-”

“Stop!” Janus interrupted, holding his hand up.

Terry sighed again, “Janus, I know you don’t want to talk about it.”

“You're correct I don't.”

“BUT… you have too at some point. Repressing your feelings just isn’t going to make it go away.”

“I have no feeling on the matter.”

“Janus…”

“Mrs. Opal.” Janus said slightly irritated, “I don’t want to talk about it since I simply have no feelings on the issue. Now may I please be able to finish up my breakfast and head off?”  
Mrs. Terry sighed, one day SOMEONE has to get through to him, but she let it go… again, “Alright, I’ll leave you be. Have a good day at school Janus.” and she left.

Once she was out of sight Janus scoffed, “Yeah right.” and finished up his food heading off to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two done! Again, kudos comments and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated!


	3. Two-Face Freshman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everyone! This one was a bit of a pain to write. And I also want to say sorry if any of the plot seems like rushed or in realistic or not good. I’m just well... not good at writing. Sooo yeah

He walked down the street to where the school is, immediately unsettled by how huge the school was. He swallowed the lump in his throat and started to walk in.

Janus entered the school with already everyone staring at him. He has dealt with this his entire life. Having vitiligo and two drastically different colored eyes really gets the heads turning. But now with his new burns and mouth scar, the heads REALLY turned.

He heard many laughs, a lot of disgusted looks, a few pity stares. Everyone was talking about “the new two-face freshman”. **Great one guys, *clever*.**

The first few classes came and went. More stares and pity looks (especially from the teachers), and now his new *favorite* phrase… “What happened to your face?” So yeah, he would say classes have gone well.

Then lunch arrived.

He walked into the lunch room and was already hating it. So many students, so much yelling. So he simply ate in the lobby. Not so loud, not many students, it was simply peace and-

“Hey! New kid!!!”

Never mind.

Janus forced himself not to flinch at the shouting. He turned to the direction of the noise, seeing a kid who was significantly taller than him rub up to him. Janus asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah!” The tall boy said, “By getting you and your freak face out of my school!”

Janus smirked at that, “What might your name be?”

“Doesn’t matter fre-“

“-WHAT might your name be?”

The tall boy scoffed, “Kasen. Kasen Rodgers. Happy now?”

“Oh *delighted*.” Janus exclaimed, “Now to answer your request I am afraid I cannot do that since I am too young to drop out. And I believe that, unless I am wrong, that you do not own this school.”

Kasen got right up to Janus’s face. He grabbed the front of Janus’s shirt which pulled him closer and up a little. Janus swallowed the lump in his throat, heart rate increasing. “Listen here you little two-face punk!” Kasen yelled, spitting on Janus, “You do not belong here, you do not belong anywhere. So get you and your stupid FUCKING face out of this-“

“Hey!!! Stop it!!!”

They both went and looked at who just yelled at them. A pretty short boy, slightly chubby. Pretty curly hair, glasses, and freckles all over him. Janus didn’t know this kid at all, or at least hasn’t seen the kid in any of his classes yet. But Kasen and the two dorks already know him.

“Patton what the fuck are you doing.”

The kid, supposedly named Patton put his hands on his hips, “I said stop what you are doing! You’re clearly hurting the kid.”

“Doesn’t fucking matter Patton. Also do you see his face!” Kasen used his free hand to forcefully turn Janus’s head around to face Patton. Janus freaked out and his heart beat only accelerated. Patton also gasped. Janus thought it was because of his face, but the way Patton looked, he looked more like he was upset with what Kasen did. And he certainly was.

“KASEN!!!” Patton almost screamed, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!”

“What is going on here!!” A teacher yelled out. Kasen let go of Janus’s shirt which made Janus stumble back out of fear. He tried not to show the ever increasing panic rising within him. But he forced himself to stare at the teacher.

Patton cried out, “Kasen is being mean to the new kid!”

Kasen yelled out, “What do you know you weren’t even here!”

“I saw enough!”

“And I have heard enough!” The teacher exclaimed. They pointed at Kasen, “I have papers saying that you tend to cause a ruckus with other students.”

“I do not!!!”

“Yes you do!” They fired back, “Now head down to the office!” Kasen pushed a chair, causing Janus to actually flinch, and stormed to the office.

The teacher looked at Patton and Janus with sympathetic looks, “Apologies for his behavior, I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.” And walked off.

Janus stood there panicking. First day of school and he already has someone who hates him. What would have Kasen done if they were truly alone? What was going to happen next? What if he was just as bad as his-

Someone rushed over and started to speak… something. His mind is too frantic to actually think. He doesn’t know what’s going on. What is happening? Help him? Help him!

The person was… breathing slow. Umm, ok. He stared at the rising and sinking chest. Without realizing he started to copy, breathing in and breathing out. Slow and steady. Easy, calm. Simple.

After a few minutes Janus calmed down, he looked up to see… P… something. Patrick? Pat? Patton! Patton. He saw Patton standing in front of him.

“Hey umm, I’m so sorry about Kasen. He’s been a jerk for as long as I know. He must have really freaked you out.”

Janus stared at Patton then stood up straight. Clearing his throat, “Oh no I’m quite alright. Just a little spook that is all.”

Patton looked at him with sad eyes, “But… but you just had like… a panic attack of sorts.”

Janus replied immediately, “Doesn’t everyone? “ Janus started to walk away, “Well no need to fret, I’ll be on my way.”

“Hey!” He stopped and turned back around, “I don’t think I know your name. What is it?” Patton asked with a smile.

He sighed and replied the same way he always did, “Janus. J-A-N-U-S. Not a girl's name, I would prefer if you don’t make fun of my name.”

“Oh, alright! I wouldn’t even think about making fun of it kiddo, seems like a cool name!”

Janus looked confused, “Kid...do?”

“Well as you heard before my name is Patton, or you can call me Pat! I hope to see you around!” He exclaimed while skipping away.

Janus looked at the skipping man and thought, **this is going to be a weird ass year.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s chapter 3! Again, kudos comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Love you all!


	4. First Day Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is in Patton's point of view! It was definitely weird writing him this way but I also wanted to get Dot and Larry into the story, I hope you enjoy!

School had just finished up and Patton was quite happy. New school, nice teachers, someone even complimented his outfit! Lunch was… well… eventful. 

Of course he heard of this new “two-faced freshman” or “creepy crawly scarface”, which was just cruel! He didn’t know what he looked like until that jerk Kasen Rodgers forcefully turned the kids face towards him. He felt so bad for the kid. And like… OF COURSE he had questions. When you see someone with such… terrible scars like that you are bound to be curious. But when he started to have a panic attack and with how he reacted when he asked the kid, or Janus about his name, he decided to leave that question for another day.

Patton got off the bus and walked into his house, “Mom! Dad! I’m back home!”

Patton’s father, Larry, came out from the kitchen, flour all over his plaid vest, “Hey Patton! How was school today?”

“It was good dad. Why do you have flour all over you?”

“Oh well I thought it would be a nice treat for you and your mother to have your favorite cookies after school! But well, it seems that I am making a mess.” Larry chuckled. 

Patton giggled and smiled, “It does seem so.”

“Well your mother should be back in about an hour for dinner. And since you took on her ability to cook and bake wanna help make these cookies?”

Patton threw his backpack on the floor, “Sure dad!”  
And they did just that. Baking some chocolate chip snickerdoodle cookies. Patton did most of the work and helped his father understand the recipe and not burn the house down. And just as his father said, Patton’s mother returned around an hour later from her teaching job down at the local elementary school.

“Welcome home honey!”

“Hey mom!”

His mother, Dot, entered the kitchen. Wearing a similar plaid shirt to his dad that was definitely more wrinkled than it was when she left, “Hello boys! Whatcha making?”

“Chocolate chip snickerdoodle cookies!” Patton exclaimed, “Dad said he wanted to make them since it’s our first day back at school.”

Dot gave his father a stern look, “Larry, what did I tell you about trying to cook alone? You could burn the whole house down!”

“That’s why I had Patton do most of the dangerous work! I’m not as dumb as you think!”

Both of them starred at Larry, Patton slightly giggling.

“Ok fine! You got me! Let’s just eat these cookies already.”

They each grabbed a couple cookies and sat at their dining table and started to talk about how their days have gone.

“Mine was normal. Struggling with names, having to hold back yelling shut up, hearing new slang terms I never heard before. The usual first day stuff. How about you Patton?”

Patton briefly looked up at his mother, ‘Oh school was good.” 

His mom and dad looked at each other, “Alright.” Dot started, “What else?”

“Oh umm…” Patton hesitated, “Well, there is this new kid at our school.”

His dad interrupted, “Did you try to make friends with them?”

“Oh uhh I mean… I guess? I didn’t exactly see him in the uhh… best circumstance.”

Dot looked a bit concerned, “How’s that honey?”

Patton took a bite out of his cookie to stall. Then he said, “Well I mean… you know Kasen Rodgers?”

“Oh that one asshole you keep talking about?”

“LARRY!”

“Yes him.” Patton said acting like he wasn’t interrupted, “Well… I saw him beating up the kid.”

“Gimanetty why?” His mother asked, “On the first day of a brand new school?”

“Well uhh…” Patton finally got to the point, “He doesn’t really… look like… well.” Patton took a deep breath, “He has burn scars, and a long one across his face. Also like I think he has vitiligo and like… different colored eyes? I couldn’t really tell. But yeah, everyone has been calling him a ‘two-faced freshman’ and other sorts of nasty things. Also his name is Janus.”

“Janus?” his father asked.

“Yes, Janus. J-A-N-U-S. He had to spell it out loud to me! He also had to specify that it wasn’t a girls name! Why did he have to specify!!!”

“Patton, sweetie, calm down.” Dot said, “That is terrible. No kid deserves that, but do what you always do Patton. Show him kindness, try to be nice to him!! Maybe he would want to be friends with you!”

Patton looked down, “Yeah… I will. Thanks mom.”

“You’re welcome dear.” Dot leaned over to Patton and gave him a small kiss on the head.

“Hey! Where’s my kiss!” Larry yelled out.

Both Dot and Patton laughed. She leaned back over to Larry and gave him a kiss.

Patton smiled. Determined to show the new kid kindness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's chapter four! You know the drill, kudos comments and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated! I love you all!


	5. School Is Not Fun At All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was also a pain to write. I’m trying not to rush the eventual friendship of Janus and Patton but that’s really all I know how to do since I suck at writing, well I hope you enjoy anyways!

_ Janus had entered kindergarten. He had no idea what school would be like but he was excited! He couldn’t wait to learn about… about everything! _

_ He entered without his father which was a little scary, father is supposed to protect me! He entered and was already greeted by stares. Janus knows that he has light patches all over him, especially one on his left eye, and that he had two different colored eyes. A part of him did wish this didn’t cause staring but it was something he had to get used too.  _

_ Janus arrived at his class room and went to where the toy’s were.  _ **_I don’t have these at my house!_ ** _ He started to play with them when another kid came up, “Can I play with you?” _

_ Janus turned around to look at the kid with a wide smile, “Sure!” _

_ The kid saw his face and eyes. They stared at Janus for awhile before saying, “Umm… I think I won’t play.” Then ran off. _

_ Janus… admittedly felt sad.  _ **_Just because of my face they didn’t want to play with me?_ ** _ He put the toy that he was currently playing with down and just sat to play with the rug. _

_ A while later the teacher started to call out names. Janus guessed he was going to be one of the last ones since they were calling by last names, and his was Zeno. Once they got to his he raised his hand to say “here”. But once he did another kid said, “Janice? Isn’t that a girl's name?” _

_ The class started to laugh. _

_ The teacher tried so hard to stop the laughing while giving him a sorry look. Janus practically curled into himself, holding back tears. First day of school and he’s already being made fun of? School is not fun at all. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School is not fun at all.

Janus already knew this, based off of his previous experiences. But at least the students at his old school would wait till the SECOND day to beat him up. But I guess getting some nasty looking scars and some stupid nicknames will certainly do the work.

But then again, that one kid did seem to be… nice enough. Janus could never say fully “nice”, that has caused him a lot of trouble before. So “nice enough” was fine with him. Patton seemed like the textbook definition of a good kid. But again, Janus has only known him for a day, and that “nice kid” probably won’t last.

He arrived back at the foster care and went straight to his room, throwing his stuff on the ground. He couldn’t stop thinking of that, weird ass kid. Yeah, kids have shown him “kindness” before… but when he was in trouble they just ignored him. In fact they made it worse. But Patton, didn’t do that?  **God this kid is confusing.**

“Back from school Janus?”

Janus flinched and turned around,  **great, Mrs. Opal** . He nodded and said, “It appears to be that I am.”

“How was it? Better or worse than your previous?” She asked.

“Oh *so much better*.” Janus lied, “The students are *so kind* and *no one* made fun of me *at all*.”

Terry sighed, “Janus…”

“I wish to not talk about it further.”

“Janus, please just talk to us!”

“I have nothing to talk about.”

“But you do.”

“No. I do not.”

“Janus!”

“Mrs. Opal!”

“Please just talk about your-“

“NO!” Janus yelled out, “I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT THINGS I DO NOT EXPERIENCE! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” Janus took a shaky breath before barely whispering, “Please…”

Mrs. Terry felt bad for the kid. He’s gone through a very traumatic past, learned that everything he did was a mistake and resulted in him being a failure. He has been told that how he was born is the reason why so many people drive away from the kid. He tells himself every day that he deserves this and wants to be alone. But yet… deep down, Janus really does want to have someone. He wants to feel… well wanted. He just won’t admit it, he hasn’t accepted it. She really just wants someone to help him out and to show the world who the real Janus is.

But that’s sadly not her.

“Alright, I’ll leave you be.”

And Janus was alone, again. *Totally* not about to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is chapter 5! Kudos comments and constructive criticism are appreciated! Love you all!


	6. It's A Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems rushed I just REALLY wanted Patton and Janus to interact so this is what I did. I hope it's believable enough, sorry if it isn't. I hope you enjoy it anyways!

Janus arrived at school now knowing what to expect. Staring, laughter, and now that people know his name he is more than likely to get the literal name calling. But he put his walls up, he tested the waters and they were dangerous, so he won’t go in there again. So what if he had to hurt people’s feelings? For his entire fucking life people had hurt him, mentally and physically, so why not do the same to them?

Then again there will ALWAYS be those people who try to make that not happen.

Lunch time arrived and he sat in the lobby again. The same teacher from the previous day came by and gave him a sympathetic smile, with Janus giving no response. He sat there eating his food. Again, enjoying the peace and-

“Hey! Janus was it?”

**God fucking dammit.**

Janus turned around to see Patton.  **Of course.** “Yes, it is.”

Patton smiled widely, “Yay! I remembered something!” he then giggled.  **Gross.** Patton sat down in a chair next to Janus, “Well how’s it going?”

“Don’t you have other friends to talk to besides me?”

Janus could see a flash of hurt over their eyes. But he couldn’t tell if it was because of what he said, or that Patton didn’t have any friends.

“Oh well I saw you were alone so I don’t think my friends would mind!”

Janus stared at Patton.  **Wandering eyes, playing with the ends of his sleeves, way too wide of a smile. Definitely lying.** “Oh *of course*.” Janus replied, “But still, wouldn’t you rather be around normal people?”

“I see you as normal!”

Janus laughed, “That’s a laugh and a half.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I believe that’s a statement.”

“Oh shut up.” Janus said with a small smile.  **Curse him.**

“Either way, I see you as normal. Just because you may…”  **Hesitating, I hate that,** “...look different, doesn’t mean you aren’t good on the inside!”

“I’m an asshole.” Janus stated matter of factly.

Patton bit his lip and looked down, “Well, I…”

Janus looked at Patton, “What?”

Patton swallowed a lump in his throat, “I just… think that you're hurt and-”

“Hurt?” Janus snarled.

Patton took a shaky breath, “I uhh…”

Janus snapped, “You know NOTHING about… about being hurt! You don’t even KNOW me! How would… how do YOU know if I’M even hurt!? You know NOTHING!”

Patton stared at the table. Taking many shaky breaths, tears forming in his eyes, “Uhh… I-I… I’m sorry…”

Janus looked at Patton.  **Oh god not this right now** . He took a deep breath, “Please, don’t apologize.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Patton barely whispered, “I made you upset. I shouldn’t… I shouldn't have done that.”

Janus sighed, mumbling, “Told you I’m an asshole.”

Patton shook his head, “No, I still don’t think that.”   
  


“Oh so that Kasen whatever isn’t one either?”

“Kasen is a jerk for no reason, he just wants to have power over people. From what I’ve seen you’re using it more as a self defense. You’re correct in that I don’t know you but I do understand emotions, as I am studying to be some sort of social worker. And I just have a lot of empathy as it is so I want to help you.”

Janus crossed his arms, “So you pity me?”

“No! Yes? I don’t know!” he took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

Janus shook his head, “It’s whatever.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Neither of them looked at each other before Patton spoke up and said, “I-I can leave now if you want.”

Janus thought about it for a moment. Normally he would immediately say yes, leave. He has had many people manipulate and abuse him that he doesn’t trust people at all. 

But something inside tells him Patton is different. From him ACTUALLY helping him yesterday to him being genuinely upset that he well… upset him. Something tells him that maybe, just maybe, Patton isn’t that bad.

“No, it’s alright. You can stay.”

Patton smiled widely, “Really!?”

“Yeah, yeah you can.” Janus said with a small smile.

**My god that wide ass smile makes me so disgustingly happy.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is chapter 6! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Love you all!


	7. Not A Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! There are talks of suicide, nothing graphic I promise! But be warned if you are sensitive to that stuff!
> 
> Also I'm sorry this chapter sucks. again I am trying so hard not to rush this thing but I don't know how to write soooo yeah. I hope you somehow enjoy anyways!

The school day was over and Janus couldn’t be happier. While he still enjoyed learning he realised a long time ago that what the school teaches you is practically colored over and washed out horse shit. So many lies and so much that people just flat out ignore. He hated it. School for him was pretty much an 8 hour prision of lies for him only to go back to the foster care and look up the truth himself.

He started to walk out of the school when he heard a familiar, “Hey Janus!” He turned around to see Patton speed walking towards him, “Afternoon Patton.”

“Afternoon! How were the rest of your classes?” Patton asked.

“Fine as usual.”

“That’s good! Say since I mentioned I wanted to be a social worker, what do you want to be?”

Oh that beautifully annoying question.

You see, Janus had always assumed he would be dead before college. Or at least a homeless bum on the street with no food or water, which would lead to his death. No, he wasn’t suicidal persay. He would never TRY to actually kill himself (at least… he thinks he wouldn’t), he just wouldn’t really mind if a dump truck struck him across the body and that was his final day.  **Wait, is that being suicidal?** Either way he hated his question.

“No clue.”

“Well from what you talked about during lunch you could be some like… politician. Or even a philosopher!”

**Oh right.** After Janus said that Patton could stay they started to talk about things that interest them. Patton went off about animals and how he just loves to help people so his dream career would be something related to animal therapy.  **What a shock.** And Janus went on a little rant about political philosophy, which Patton understood nothing about.  **What a shock.** But unlike other people he at least tried to understand and was accepting of his weird interest. Which then struck up a conversation on why school sucks. Janus for obvious reasons, and Patton because he didn’t like getting up super early and how mean the people can be.  **I know I’ve said this a lot, but what a shock.**

Janus shrugged and said, “I guess.”

Patton nodded his head, “Oh I was wondering, why did you move here? Like did one of your parents get a new job or?”

Janus froze up, “I uhh… no.”

Patton tilted his head, “No? Ok then, why?”

“Why does it matter?” Janus said defensively. 

Patton seemed to notice this, “Oh uhh, sorry. I was just curious.”

“Well, curiosity killed the cat.” Janus snapped back.

Patton bit his lip, “Ok, how about you can tell me when you’re comfortable then?”

Janus stared at Patton then sighed, “Fine.”

“Alrighty!” Patton exclaimed, “Do you take the bus or walk home?”

**There he goes, throwing out another word I hate.** “Walk.”

“Ahh shucks I take the bus.” Once they arrived outside Patton stopped, “Well I’ll let you walk back, see you at lunch tomorrow!”

Janus gave a small wave back then turned around to walk back to  **THE FOSTER CARE! NOT HOME! I’VE NEVER HAd a home… and… never. I never will.**

Janus wiped the tears off his bumpy face and continued walking back.

Knowing he will never have a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 complete! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Love you all!


	8. He Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok first off YOU GUYS ARE TOO KIND STOP IT! Second off, whoops may have gone a little venty there. And third off this one is, different? I personally haven't seen people do this in fics so maybe? I don't know. I hope you like... whatever this is!

Patton waved goodbye to Janus and got on the bus. He started to think.

**Ok… that went… well. Gosh this is going to be harder than I thought. I mean like, I have tried to make friends before… before I screw things up… NO! Ok… umm. But like, he’s definitely not ok. Wait should I say that? Probably not. Ok.**

**Something is definitely wrong with Janus, CRAP! That’s even worse! Ok, calm down Patton. But like… why does… how did he get those scars? Should I ask him? No definitely not now, especially how he reacted to me saying he was hurt. But like, then again, why did he get so defensive? I mean I don’t blame him! Of course I don’t! But I mean… god I wish I was better at this.**

**He mentioned pity, do I pity him. I mean like… of course I do! I feel so bad for him that I want to help! But that’s bad isn’t it? Isn’t pity a bad thing? Am I being bad? No… no no no stop that train of thought right now. Ok. But like isn’t pity also similar to empathy? I know I have empathy. Too much empathy that is, but is it really empathy for him? I just want to be friends with him! Is it just because I assume he will have no friends? God I am a terrible human being aren’t I? I am really trying to become friends just because he looks weird, NO! OTHERS think he looks weird! Goddammit! I am so terrible.**

**Am I just using him? Why am I worrying so much, I don’t even KNOW him! But like… I feel so bad for the guy. Wait, no, I’m being bad again. God I’m always so bad. When am I ever not bad? I do want to be friends with Janus, I do! But… am I doing it for the right reasons? I don’t want him to be lonely, but maybe he isn’t lonely outside of school? But that’s pity. A pity assumption. I make such terrible assumptions. But like… I also don’t want to be lonely. Wait did I really just think that? That’s so selfish of me! But then again, when am I ever not selfish?**

**Janus probably thinks I’m a terrible person. No, he’s smart, he KNOWS I’m a terrible person. That’s just all I am. A selfish, pitiful, rude, just a god awful terrible person. He doesn’t deserve a friend who is this bad. Does he even think we are friends? Probably not. Again knowing how smart he is and how awful I am he will probably never see me as a friend. There goes me! Assuming everyone is my friend when they don’t give a shit about me! No one does, no one cares about me at all. I’m just a waste of a human being… maybe I should-**

**NO! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Alright, calm down. Relax, even though it never works, SHUT UP! Ok, calm down.**

**I know I will never be able to help him like he needs or deserves, but this is the only thing I’m good at, helping people. So I must do my job and help people.**

**I need to help him or else I will fail everyone.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 is done! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Love you all!


	9. A Face A Mother Doesn't Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate how short this story is. I hate how unrealistic the pace is. I hate how this chapter turned out and how long it took me to make it.
> 
> But you guys are so kind, so I'm doing it. I am sorry for the long wait.

Janus stormed into the foster care and into his room. He threw his backpack on the floor and screamed into his pillow. Curse people and them always assuming a normal life. And curse him for getting freaked out by the mention of normal things.

I mean he can’t exactly… blame Patton. That kid is actively trying to make him seem… normal. Whatever the hell normal is. I guess you could call that pity, Janus normally would. But something inside him tells Janus that it’s more than just pity, so he lets it slide.

Oh how he wished things were normal. Janus so wanted to have two parents. I mean if he did half the shit he experienced wouldn’t have even happened! But, then again, almost ALL the stuff wouldn’t have happened if he just looked normal. What he would give, what he would do to make Janus look normal. His two different colored eyes didn’t bother people so much, it’s the fact his skin has patches. Weird, disgusting, pale ass patches all other him. That’s what made his mother leave.

Mother...

_ Mr. and Mrs. Zeno was… more relieved than excited. They never really wanted children, but since they got pregnant might as well hope it’s a good one. Mrs. Zeno was gorgeous (according to her), and Mr. Zeno was the smartest man alive (again, according to him). Their combined attributes certainly should make the best child! And they did a bunch of old fashioned tests and they all came out to be a girl! This was going to be the most perfect child alive right? _

_ Right? _

_ The baby was born. The first thing they noticed (well other than the fairly obvious not flat crotch) was the patches. Even though the child was white it had even whiter patches all other her… no. Him. The doctor informed them that it was vitiligo and there was nothing to worry about.  _

_ Mrs. Zeno disagreed. _

_ “So how come I had to wait NINE whole fucking months, just to WAIT, for a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL, only for it to come out as a DISGUSTING UGLY BOY!” _

_ “I apologize that you feel that way ma'am.” The doctor stated, “Lots of those home remedy tests are complete, pardon my words but horseshit. It just so happens that your child is a boy. And if you truly do not like his vitiligo then go ahead and find some full coverage concealer in the future and put some on him.” _ __   
  


_ Mrs. Zeno scoffed, “Like that will happen.” _

_ The doctor looked between them and cleared their throat, stating, “I’ll step outside. Allowing you two some time to talk.” _

_ The doctor left them alone and they sat in silence for a while. Mr. Zeno spoke up, “So, what we calling it?” _

_ Mrs. Zeno laughed, “Like I’m giving this thing a name. We had a beautiful one for our beautiful baby girl who must have been eaten by this monster.” _

_ “How ‘bout we still call it Janice?” _

_ “Janice? That’s a girls na-” _

_ “J-A-N-U-S. Change the last three letters to a U-S and boom. Boys name. Also then if we get rid of the J it’s just left with anus.” _

_ Mrs. Zeno chuckled, “Yeah, standing for a pain in your anus.” _

_ “OUR anus.” _

_ “No. Yours.” _

_ Mr. Zeno looked over at her, “Mine… wh-. What do you mean?” _

_ “You REALLY think I’m sticking around for this piece of junk of a child? FUCK no! This thing is yours! Clearly it got your ugliness, maybe it’ll get your smarts. But then again seeing how this thing is going I’d highly doubt that.” _

_ “S-so… you’re just leaving me?” _

_ She scoffed, “YES dumbass I am. And I ain’t coming back till this… thing… is off of your hands.” _

_ Mr. Zeno looked at their child, and looked at their lover. He really wished this wasn’t a thing but it seems reasonable, like he has a choice. _

_ “Fine.” _

_ “Good.” _

_ They left the hospital a few days later. Also noticing when Janus opened their eyes it was brown on one eye green on the other. Warranting his mother to whisper, “Two eyed patchy freak.” And once they left, Mr. Zeno and Janus never saw her again. _

Janus never saw this, he doesn’t remember it. Clearly, he was a fucking baby. But he’s heard that story so many times. A constant reminder of how he isn’t normal, how he’s a freak. How he was a mistake. Even Janus being a ‘he’ was wrong. It was all wrong, nothing good or correct. And his mother was correct, Janus never really got ‘smart’. No, he just became a sarcastic asshole. I guess you could say he knows more about philosophy and about the truths of the world more than some people, but that all came from him being a sarcastic asshole. He was nothing, good for nothing. Worthless shell of a human being, with an equally disgusting outer shell.

If only he was born normal, he would be normal.

But things never go right for Janus do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is appreciated! Love you all!


	10. Janus's Issue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm not uploading consistently. I'm sorry these chapter's are so short. I'm sorry my writing sucks. You guys are too kind.

When they arrived at school both Patton and Janus were not doing great. Janus wishing he was normal. Patton wallowing in self depreciation. But will they show their sufferings? Ha… no.

Janus woke up late so didn’t have breakfast, so he had it at school. 

“That will be two dollars.”

Janus looked up at the lunch lady, “Two dollars?”

“Yes, that will be two dollars.”

“Two dollars, for breakfast.”

The lunch lady sighed, “Yes, two dollars for breakfast. Now can you please pay there are other peo-“

“Look.” Janus interrupted, “They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Also as kids and teenagers our bodies are growing! So shouldn’t we, oh I don’t know, NOT pay to eat?”

“This is what you have to do in the real world kid, please just pay or if you don’t have money get out of the line!”

Janus laughed, “Lady listen, I wouldn’t be complaining about this if I didn’t HAVE money. If I came from a place of privilege I would shut up and pay for something that I need, or hell even want. But no. I’m poor, have no money, and really have a shit ass life.” He waved his hand around his burn scars to emphasize.

“Mister you do not swear in front of adults.”

“And schools shouldn’t make children charge for their food. FIVE year olds have to pay for food, FIVE YEAR OLDS! Isn’t that a little disheartening to tell a five year old that they cannot eat because they don’t have money?”

“You are not five-“

“That doesn’t matter! You shouldn’t make children pay for food!”

“GET OUT OF THE LINE OR I AM CALLING THE PRINCIPAL!” The lunch lady yelled.

Janus held back a flinch, “Charming.” He then sighed, “Very well then, be proud you are paying for the capitalist pigs for a necessity item that determines our SURVIVAL.”

He left the line with students either scared of him, or yelling “commie”. He didn’t care, he’s heard this all before. But now he was hungry.

He doesn’t fully understand why he is upset. He's not been fed before. He’s gone a couple days without food. Not his own doing, his father of course. But then again, he DID question him if his father loved him. So he was a bit of an asshole. So his father yelled at him, beat him up, and locked him in his room for the weekend-

Janus shook his head.  **Not now, not in front of-**

“Patton?”

Patton stood in front of him, holding an apple and a granola bar, “Hey uhh… I heard what happened in there.”

Janus looked back at the lunch line and scoffed, “Yeah, and?”

“Uhh well… I agree. I mean, I do find it weird they charge us for food. At least make breakfast free right?” He said making eye contact with Janus.

Janus looked at him and shrugged, “I guess so, your point being?”

Patton moved his hands towards Janus, “Here, have my food.”

“Patton…” Janus looked at the food, “No. It’s alright, I’ve gone hungry before-“

“So have I.” Patton interrupted, “Please…” He looked at the food and moved the granola bar towards him, “At least this…?”

Janus sighed and took it, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome! Hey! Maybe we should do this more often!”

Janus was confused, “Confront the idiocracy of school and feed each other food?”

Patton looked shocked then breathed out a laugh, “Ahhh no not that.”

“Why not, that sounds quite fun.”

Patton bit his lip, “Uhh I thought that maybe we could see each other before class. Just like, here in the lobby, so we don’t have to wait till lunch.”

Janus thought about it for a moment, “Alright. I just go to my first class anyway, I only tried to buy breakfast today because I woke up late.”

“Same here! I mean with the… going to class thing. Umm, I usually eat there… this is my breakfast.”

Janus chuckled at Patton’s nervousness, “I get it.”

Patton giggled and gave a sheepish smile, “Ok… ok well. I’ll see you at lunch!”

Janus waved his hand, “Goodbye Patton.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Janus the principal has asked to see you.”

Janus sighed.  **Of course. Only two periods into the day and you're already in trouble.** Janus grabbed his stuff and got up to a room full of “oooooo”s and snickers. He rolled his eyes then went down to the principal’s office.

He entered the office and the principal, Mr. Kurt, was sitting in his chair. “Janus Zeno?”

“Could be.”

“I’m going to say yes, sit down please.” Janus put his stuff down and sat down, “So I assume you know why you are here?”

“No, no clue.” Janus snapped back, not looking at him.

“Janus, it’s not good to talk back to adults.”

“It’s also not good to force children and teenagers to pay for food at school.” Janus interrupted.

Mr. Kurt sighed, “Yes, the issue at hand. I will agree with you on one thing, I do think we shouldn’t have students pay for at least breakfast.”

“Yet you allow it?” Janus looked at him.

“Janus I do not make the rules here, that’s the superintendent's job. And it hasn’t been much of an issue in the past for me to bring it up.”

“Oh I get it. You get a bunch of middle class, possibly rich kids in this school and forget the poor exist. So you don’t accommodate for their needs. Sooooo this school participates in classism?” 

Mr. Kurt sighed again. Clearly annoyed, “Sure, we can go with that.”

“Good, because that’s what it seems like to me.” Janus scoffed.

They sat in silence for a moment. Then the principal spoke up, “Would you like to explain why you complained about paying?”

“I don’t have money, I’ve said that.”

“Could you ask your parents?”

Janus froze up, “I… no.”

Mr. Kurt looked conflicted, “What do you me-“

“I don’t have parents. Mother left years ago and Father is in jail. I resign in a foster care/adoption center. Shouldn’t that be in like my files or shit?” Janus spat out, clearly getting uncomfortable. Holding back tears.

Mr. Kurt looked at him and went to his cabinet full of the students files, ignoring the swear word. He grabbed Janus’s and read through it. His eyes widened, “Oh… yes.” He cleared his throat, “Yes I see. Janus I deeply apologize I simply forgot about this information.” Janus rolled his eyes, Mr. Kurt feeling guilty, “How about this. For the time being breakfast and lunch will be free for you. I will talk to the superintendent’s about low income students and about how they will get food. How does that sound?”

**Wow… he actually listened to you?**

“Yeah.” Janus got out, “That’s good.”

Mr. Kurt smiled, “Great. Now I would recommend you don’t talk back or swear at authority figures next time ok?”

**Always question authority,** “Yeah sure.”

“Alright, good.” The principal smiled, “You’re free to go.”

Janus grabbed his stuff and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So you’re going to get lunch and breakfast free now?” Patton asked.

It was now lunch time and Patton had asked how Janus’s day went. Janus explained that during second period he was called down to the principal’s office to talk about what happened. And Janus told him everything.

“Yeah I guess so. I probably won’t even use it often though. I mean, I pack lunch every day and I at least have a banana most mornings. As I said earlier to you I just woke up late. But that’s cool I guess.”

“That’s really cool!” Patton exclaimed, “You stood up for what you believed in! That’s awesome!”

Janus huffed, “Yeah sure.”

“Well I’m happy for you Janus.” Patton smiled.

Janus gave a small smile back, “Thanks Patton.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 is done! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Love you all!


	11. Patton's Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Patton's point of view on the events of the last chapter, plus some extra content. Hope you like it, all my apologies from the last chapter still hold true. Also I realise how out of character Janus is towards the end of this... I’m sorry.

When they arrived at school both Patton and Janus were not doing great. Janus wishing he was normal. Patton wallowing in self depreciation. But will they show their sufferings? Ha… no.

Patton entered just feeling terrible. He got home and cried in his bedroom. Making sure his parents couldn’t hear him, he couldn’t be any more of a burden to them. He didn’t eat much of his dinner and honestly wasn’t in the mood for breakfast. It wasn’t really until his mom practically forced him to at least bring an apple and granola bar to school. So he did and went off.

He started to head in the direction of his first class, which is towards the cafeteria when he heard yelling in there.

“Look. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Also as kids and teenagers our bodies are growing! So shouldn’t we, oh I don’t know, NOT pay to eat?”

**Oh gosh what’s going on? I mean, I do also find it weird we have to pay for food but…**

“This is what you have to do in the real world kid, please just pay or if you don’t have money get out of the line!”

“Lady listen, I wouldn’t be complaining about this if I didn’t HAVE money. If I came from a place of privilege I would shut up and pay for something that I need, or hell even want. But no. I’m poor, have no money, and really have a shit ass life.”

**Wait wait wait wait wait. I know that voice… Janus?**

“Mister you do not swear in front of adults.”

“And schools shouldn’t make children charge for their food. FIVE year olds have to pay for food, FIVE YEAR OLDS! Isn’t that a little disheartening to tell a five year old that they cannot eat because they don’t have money?”

**Janus is bringing up some really good points there… goodness what is going on?**

“You are not five-“

“That doesn’t matter! You shouldn’t make children pay for food!”

“GET OUT OF THE LINE OR I AM CALLING THE PRINCIPAL!”

Patton jumped back. He opened up his backpack to grab the apple and granola bar his mom gave him to eat. He doesn’t need it, Janus does.

After that he heard Janus say something about him leaving and how you need food for survival.  **Lucky you’re not trying to-SHUT UP!**

Janus walked out of the line and out towards the lobby. He definitely was distracted since he didn’t see Patton and almost ran into him, “Patton?”

**SAY SOMETHING!** “Hey uhh… I heard what happened in there.”

Janus looked back at the lunch line and scoffed, “Yeah, and?”

**You have already made him mad, great job Patton.** “Uhh well… I agree. I mean, I do find it weird they charge us for food. At least make breakfast free right?” 

Janus looked at him and shrugged, “I guess so, your point being?”

**It’s now or never.** He moved his hands towards Janus, “Here, have my food.”

“Patton…” Janus looked at the food, “No. It’s alright, I’ve gone hungry before-“

“So have I.”  **WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! Well you can’t go through your original plan of giving him ALL your food. THINK OF SOMETHING!** “Please…” Patton decided he could live without the granola bar, “At least this…?”

Janus sighed and took it, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome!”  **Phew. Now be nice to him-pity-NO STOP!** “Hey! Maybe we should do this more often!”

Janus was confused, “Confront the idiocracy of school and feed each other food?”

**He really is a character is he? Wait is that rude? Crap.** “Ahhh no not that.”

“Why not, that sounds quite fun.”

Patton bit his lip, “Uhh I thought that maybe we could see each other before class. Just like, here in the lobby, so we don’t have to wait till lunch.”

Janus was quiet for a moment, “Alright. I just go to my first class anyway, I only tried to buy breakfast today because I woke up late.”

“Same here! I mean with the… going to class thing. Umm, I usually eat there… this is my breakfast.”  **Smooooooooth Patton.**

Janus chuckled at Patton’s nervousness, “I get it.”

Patton giggled and gave a sheepish smile, “Ok… ok well. I’ll see you at lunch!”

Janus waved his hand, “Goodbye Patton.”

Patton walked away from him then sighed.  **That was terrible, I did terrible. He doesn’t deserve me. I am terrible.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patton worried about Janus the entire time until lunch. From what he heard, Janus was definitely going to be in some sort of trouble. Hopefully not to the point of being expelled! Janus is his only friend!  **He doesn’t think of you as one.**

When lunch arrived he anxiously waited for Janus to arrive, almost thinking he wasn’t going to be there. Then he saw Janus approaching their table in the lobby, “Janus!”

Janus nodded and said, “Hello Patton.”

“So uhh, how has your day been? What happened after… well.”

Janus smirked, “That last word you said would be a pretty good descriptor of what happened.”

Janus then explained that in second period he was called down to the principals. He went down and started accusing the principal and the superintendent’s, well more like the whole school of classism.  **Wow… big claim. Wait that was rude crap.** Then Mr. Kurt asked why Janus was complaining about the money and how he seemingly forgot he was… well it looked like Janus was going to say something else, but he said poor.  **He’s not just poor-Shut up! He is clearly not comfortable talking about it so I am not asking him!** So Mr. Kurt said he will get free breakfast and lunch, and that the principal will talk to the superintendent’s about the issue.

Patton had no idea what to say, “So you’re going to get lunch and breakfast free now?”  **GREAT job Patton, for an extrovert you SUCK at socializing.**

“Yeah I guess so. I probably won’t even use it often though. I mean, I pack lunch every day and I at least have a banana most mornings. As I said earlier to you I just woke up late. But that’s cool I guess.”

“That’s really cool!” He exclaimed, “You stood up for what you believed in! That’s awesome!”

Janus huffed, “Yeah sure.”

Patton smiled, “Well I’m happy for you Janus.”  **I really am, please believe me-pity-STOP!**

Janus gave a small smile back, “Thanks Patton.”

“You’re welcome! Nooow how about the rest of your day?”

Janus shrugged, “Average I guess, how ‘bout you?”

**Awful.** “Great!”

Janus chuckled, “Like always?”

**Crap, he can see right through you.** “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Janus looked at Patton, “Patton, you know I can tell when someone lies.”

Patton was taken aback, “I uhh.” Patton shook his head and smiled wide, “I’m not lying!”

“Mhmm, and I’m the pope.” Patton just continued to smile wide, yet he was panicking on the inside, “Look I…” Janus paused and took a breath, “I consider you a friend,”  **FRIENDFRIENDFRIEND** “and well I believe friends are supposed to help each other and-”

“-You see me as a friend?” Even though Patton interrupted he sounded small. He was quiet, meak, almost frightened.

Janus looked at him, “I mean… I think so? This may come as a shock to you but I have never had friends before so I don’t exactly know how this works so uhh…”

“Don’t worry neither do I.”  **PATTON I SWEAR TO GOD YOU KEEP ON JUST REVEALING… REVEALING SHIT THAT YOU SHOULDN’T!!! You’re supposed to be NORMAL to him!!! Now you’re showing your weakness!!!!! STUPID! IDIOT! PATHETIC!**

Janus looked at him, probably thinking of how to say that he doesn’t want to be friends anym-, “Well then I guess there is a first for everything.”

Patton was shocked, “Y-you… you don’t.” He swallowed the lump in his throat, “You don’t want to stop…?”

Janus laughed, “Being friends? Over that? Do you SEE how I look! Everyone else has common sense and is revolted by me. But you are not. It would be quite stupid of me for me stop over something as insignificant as that.”

Patton was in shock, taken aback, he breathed out a laugh, “Heh… yeah I guess.” 

Janus smiled and started to talk about snakes. While Patton wasn’t the biggest fan of snakes, he did love animals. He was also grateful to be moving on to a different topic. They talked about their favorite animals for the rest of the lunch. Janus being snakes and Patton being cats. Janus laughed when Patton mentioned that he was also allergic to cats, yet they are still his favorite animal. And for a moment, Patton’s nasty thoughts went away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is appreciated! Love you all!


	12. The Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I write two pretty ok chapters I would say then I go back to writing the same short and terrible shit. Also I'm going to make some things come earlier than I thought, because I don't know how to write a good story. Thank you for reading and SOMEHOW enjoying this... but like you really shouldn't.

Janus knew Patton was lying. He realized Patton lied a lot. Not about who he is, or his past, or anything like that. He lied about his happiness. He kept saying everything was great and how he was always happy.  **HA! SURELY he knows that being “always happy” is impossible.**

It was also quite easy to tell when Patton lies. When he was actually happy he would make eye contact, when he was upset or nervous he will not make eye contact, when he was LYING his eyes would wander. He would make the slightest bit of eye contact to looking at his hands, or the ceiling, or just some random line on the wall.

He also fidgeted with his hands a lot. While yes, he has noticed that Patton just fidgets in general. Either bouncing his leg or playing with whatever he is holding. But when he is lying he either picks at his fingers or plays with the hems at the ends of his sleeves. Small, but Janus noticed.

And his smile, his god forbidden smile. Patton’s real smile reaches his eyes. You see most of the top row of his teeth, and a small amount of the bottom row. His eyes squint up, if eyes could sparkle and shine Patton’s DEFINITELY would.  **Why did you say that?** When he lies though… sure. His smile is larger, too large. All his teeth are shown, and sure that sounds lovely, but the ticket is his eyes. Yes the eyes naturally squint due to how the face is, but you can see the pain. Janus has seen pain, he knows how it looks, especially how people look when encountered with it. Patton… he looks distant. Like he’s not really there, or something is bothering him inside. He’s seen this feeling before, he knows this feeling. He deals with this feeling every day.

When Patton asked him if he really thought of him as a friend, he felt a feeling he hadn’t really felt before. The only way he could describe it was a pit in his stomach. Janus… never had friends before, he didn’t really even want friends. He did try but they were just manipulating assholes. Patton… doesn’t seem like that. He is the first person,  **other than Mrs. Opal I guess** , to show him genuine kindness. Now of course Patton hasn’t gained his full trust.  **Has anyone?** But Janus does find his company… at least pleasurable. So yeah… Janus would call him a friend. 

Janus moved the topic onto animals because he could also see that Patton was anxious. He wanted to give him a distracter for the time being. He was of course going to bring it up later.

**Hypocrite.**

**How am I a hypocrite?**

**You’re trying to make the kid open up to something he is clearly trying to hide, don’t you literally do the same thing?**

**Right.**

His past. The weight on his shoulder, a storm that seems to linger, the cold that never goes away. His pain, his past. He should tell Patton… but if he really made a new friend he CANNOT see his pain. The broken pieces, the parts that make him hurt. No one can see.  **Except for, you know, the parts you can LITERALLY see.** He can’t show the broken. Not yet at least. Or maybe even never. Janus doesn’t want people to know. 

No one can know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12! Kudos comments and constructive criticism are appreciated! Love you all!


	13. How Patton Found Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! There is a use of the f-slur in this chapter! It's only used once but I want to make sure you don't get accidently triggered! Also read the tags! This one got pretty dark!!
> 
> Also sorry that this took so long and it probably sucks, but hey what's new.
> 
> Also I know this is probably super unrealistic. And after this I’m doing a massive time jump because this wasn’t how I was planning on doing it. I’m sorry my writing sucks.

Patton has to know.

Janus went to school the next day like normal. But now there was an extra step, talking to Patton in the lobby. This’ll be fine right? He just has to wait in the lobby for his only friend to show-

“OI NEW KID!”

Dammit.

Janus turned around to see the *wonderful* Kasen Rodgers coming up to him. Janus rolled his eyes to hide the fear that was coming from within him, “Yes?”

Kasen stood tall next to Janus, peering down he spat out, “I know your little secret.” Kasen smiled while saying the final two words.

**OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!** Janus shoved down the ever rising fear. He stood tall and asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Kasen laughed, “I heard that you went on a little rant to the lunch lady yesterday.”

**Ok… ok maybe it isn’t… *that*** “Yes, I am fairly certain a lot of kids know that-”

“Oh no no no.” Kasen interrupted, “You see, I had the bonus of being in the principal’s because of our little encounter on day one.”

**FUCK MAYBE IT IS THAT** “Ok…” Janus tried to remain calm. He knows he didn’t say everything to the principal, but he did say enough, “I still don’t know what you could be talking a-”

“I KNOW you live in a foster care. I KNOW your mom left you. And I KNOW your little daddy is in jail.” Kasen held onto Janus’s cheek with the burn scars, “Since you have these on your face AND we ALL remember seeing on the news about a father trying to KILL THEIR KID WITH SETTING THEIR HOUSE ON FIRE!!! Well… the pieces all lined up.”

  
  


Janus stood there in shock. Other students looked towards them, most of them snickering. He didn’t know what to do, he was trapped. Stuck, nowhere to run, trapped. Spiraling down, nowhere to run, no escape. People know, everyone knows. What can he do? Everyone knows. Alone, he’s alone, he has no one. Help, no one is helping. Alone, everyone knows. Trapped, can’t run, can’t see. Spiral, trap, everyone knows. Alone in a spiral trap that never ends, everyone knows. Can’t run, can’t breathe. Help, no help. Alone, everyone knows. People know, he’s trapped. Alone, help. Help. hElP!

**HELLLLLLLP!**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patton first went to the cafeteria to see if Janus went there first.  **Nope, ok.** He then started to walk to the table they always ate- **Full of people, definitely not.** He continued looking for him around the lobby.  **He forgot about you, he was simply leading you onto a friendship that he never wanted. He hates-**

“HELLLLLLLP!”

**Janus?**

Patton quickly turned to where the noise was coming from. It was in fact Janus… on the floor… sobbing his eyes out… screaming for help… with Kasen standing over him…

**KASEN!**

Patton ran over to where Janus was, he didn’t care what Kasen was saying to Janus, he just needed to get him out of there. He ran up to the spot, “MOVE OUT OF THE WAY KASEN!” He couldn’t help but notice Janus flinching.

“Patton, WHY do you continue to help him. He’s just a little or-”

“I do not CARE what or who he is or whatever! Janus is a GOOD PERSON! And you’re…”  **Don’t say it Patton** “You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE!”  **You said it.**

Kasen was just about to shove Patton to the ground when a teacher (finally) came up. “Patton Sanders! Care to explain WHY I heard you swearing?” 

Patton looked at the teacher confused, “Pardon me for saying this, but me swearing should be the LEAST of our worries!” He then crouched down to try to help the still crying and screaming Janus.  **What did Kasen say to poor Janus?**

The teacher finally looked down to see Janus freaking out, “Woah woah woah.” They turned to other students, “What happened? Did Patton do this?”

Most of the students stood there just eying each other. It would be silent if it wasn’t for Janus. The teacher got angry and spoke up, “WHO did this?”

One of the students spoke up, “Uhh… it was Kasen.”

“Kasen Rodgers?” A few more students nodded. They looked down at Patton asking the same question, getting a nod as well, “Alright. Let’s take you and Janus to a quiet room to help him calm down, then once you’re ready head down to the principal’s ok? Also I am fairly certain he’ll allow time off for you both.”

“Thank you.” he whispered. He continued looking at Janus, still frightened and sobbing. The teacher started to tell students to leave the area, to not get close. Patton only had one question.

**What happened to him?**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a while they were both able to enter the psychologist room at their school. And while yes, it was just a 5 second walk from where they were, it took them a few good minutes to figure out how to get Janus in there. Because he certainly wasn’t walking, and whenever he was touched he screamed more. But the teacher dealt with the screaming as they decided to pick him up, run, and drop him off at the office. Once Patton arrived and the teacher explained what was happening to the school psychologist, they left the room open for Janus and Patton to be alone.

The psychologist came over and helped Patton out with calming him down. They went through breathing exercises and grounding techniques to help Janus become away. After 10-15 minutes he did. He wasn’t sobbing anymore, still crying but it was silent tears. His breathing had slowed down, and overall he didn’t seem as panicked as before. Once Janus got to this state the psychologist told Patton to tread carefully. Be calm, gentle, and don’t force a topic of conversation that’ll panic him more. Patton nodded and the psychologist let them be.

Patton watched as the psychologist left, then turned his focus back to Janus. Even though he was better than before, he was still a bit shaky. Even though his breaths were more even, they were still heavy. Even though he stopped sobbing, tears were still falling down his face.

“P-Patton…?”

And even though he stopped screaming, his voice was raspy and clearly sore.

“Yeah Janus?” he said quietly.

“I... “ Janus wanted to talk but his throat was in pain, “W-wa…”

“Do you want water?” Patton prompted asking. Janus nodded his head and he got up to get a small cup of water. He gave it to Janus and he had a small sip.

“Th-th-thank you.”

Patton smiled, “You’re welcome.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Neither of them really knowing what to do or say. Patton decided to say, “Umm, well. Of course, don’t say anything you don’t want to say. But umm, oh and uhh, if you don’t want to talk about it now that’s fine. But… I just want to know, as a friend… what happened?”

Janus was silent for a moment, curling in on himself more (if that was even possible). Head in his lap. Patton started to think  **great, you messed it up already, GREAT job Patton,** before Janus mumbled something, “Uhh… I didn’t quite hear-”

“Do you know!” he loudly mumbled.

Patton sat there confused, “About what?”

Janus put his head up, “My past! Ev-evrything wr-wrong with me! Wh-why I… why I’m l-like this!!! Do you know!”

Patton shook his head, “I am being one hundred percent honest and truthful right now. No, I promise you I have no clue about your past.” 

Janus looked at Patton, “I thought h-he told th-the whole sc-school?” his voice came out quiet.

“Even if he did, I don’t follow gossip. It’s too toxic.” Patton paused, wanting to continue but knowing it was wrong to ask.

“Well… aren’t you g-gonna ask me?”

“Ask you what?”

“M-my past… wh-what’s wrong w-with me? Aren’t you be-begging for answers?”

Patton took a deep breath, “Well, I would be lying to you to say I was never curious. Because I am. But from what I can guess this is a sensitive topic for you. So I don’t expect you to tell me everything if you don’t want to. Whether you want to tell me all, some, or none, I do not mind. I will stick by you no matter what.”

Janus continued to be quiet, simply sitting there for a few moments. Absorbing what Patton had just said. He took a deep breath then said, “I don’t… I don’t want to give details. B-but… years ago… my m-mother left. M-my fath-father went t-to jail because… be-because…” Janus didn’t want to say it, but he weakly raised his hand to his face, waving it around the burn scars.

Patton didn’t know what to say.  **I was expecting something but… but not that… gosh.** They were silent for a moment before Patton said, “Janus I… I’m so sorry-”

“No.” Janus interrupted, “Please… don’t. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want… this… to change because now you know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want you just… treating me differently because you know now. Just… please… I don’t want that.”

Patton bit his lip.  **Dang it, he brought up pity.** Patton stayed silent for a moment before saying, “Well, I don’t want our friendship done with either. I like having you as a friend, past or not. I can’t promise you that I won’t show… pity. Or.. or empathy. That’s just my natural instinct, to show empathy to everyone I know. But… I will try, because I want to be your friend… ok?”

Janus stared at the floor, but nodded, “Alright. Thank you.”

“Do…” Patton started, “do you want a hug?”

Janus gave a small smile, “Ok.”

Patton crouched down and walked over to Janus, open arms. Janus hesitated but leaned into the hug. Patton could tell that he has never been hugged before, or it at least has been years. He was very tight when he was given contact, but slowly relaxed and sunk into the hug. At some point Patton started to rub his back in circles. Janus’s breathing slowed down even more, he then got to a state of almost complete calm. Patton was glad… until he remembered that they had to go talk to the principal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patton and Janus sat in Mr. Kurt’s office, both pretty scared. Patton bouncing his leg up and down like crazy, and Janus’s body shaking. Kasen stormed through the door and slammed it, causing Janus to flinch, not even trying to hide it. Patton slowly moved his hand over and Janus quickly held on. Patton was honestly quite shocked but he didn’t mind. But, Kasen minded, “Eww you’re a fag.” Both Janus and Patton flinched. Janus let go of his hand, curling in on himself. Patton started to fiddle with his hands as well. Luckily they didn’t wait for long as the principal walked into his office.

“So,” Mr. Kurt started off, “I assume you know why you are all here.” all but Kasen didn’t nod, “Ok, care to explain what exactly happened?”

“Janus is a freak.” 

“Kasen! You do NOT talk about people like that!”

“I don’t know the full story.” Patton interrupted, “But from what I know Kasen found out a secret about Janus’s past, started to tell the whole school, and sent Janus into a flashback. Is that correct?” He turned to Janus, only getting a slight nod in return, “See? So Janus is not in the wrong here.”

“Patton,” Mr. Kurt started, “you were called down because a teacher heard you swear-”

“Yeah and? Kasen was overtop Janus while he was screaming for help! I was trying to HELP Janus! I apologize for swearing, but I swear that doesn’t happen often. I just wanted Kasen to move out of the way and stop scaring him!”

“You say this like I’m an awful person and he isn’t a-”

“YES! You ARE a bad person! And Janus isn’t a freak, or disgusting, or anything negative you are about to say. He is troubled, yes but NOT bad!”

“Boys! Boys! Calm down!” Mr. Kurt yelled out, “Janus?”

They looked over at Janus to see the shaking had only increased and that he had started to cry, “S-st...stop… y-yelling.”

Patton and Mr. Kurt silently uddered an apology, while Kasen screamed, “WHAT YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?!”

Mr. Kurt quietly yelled, “Kasen!” while Janus flinched even harder and the crying increased. Patton kneeled down to go through the breathing exercises that the psychologist did. While the principal told Kasen to step out so they could talk. Once they were out Janus cried out, “I HATE THIS!!! PLEASE JUST STOP IT!!!”

“I know Jan I know.” Patton spoke as softly as he could, “Can you try to breathe for me?” Patton got a small nod and they continued with the breathing. 

At one point the principal came in, he whispered, “Boys?” They both looked up at him, “I have decided to suspend Kasen for the time being. But considering his grades and his history of hurting kids we may be able to expel him. If we are not able to expel him we will pay extra attention to make sure he does not cause any more students harm, do you understand?”

Patton nodded, Janus muttering a small thank you. Mr. Kurt nodded and said, “Alright, I will call your… guardians… and let them know to come pick you up. I will go to your teachers and ask them for their lesson plans and homeworks.” Patton nodded while Janus gave a small thumbs up, “Ok… you can spend the rest of the day in here.” And Mr. Kurt left.

They sat there for a moment. Then Janus hugged Patton, never wanting to let go.

And Patton didn’t.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The school day was done and Patton’s dad drove up to take both of them home. Since Janus lived in a foster care no one could pick him up, so Patton offered to take him back. Once his dad arrived they both slowly walked to the car.

“Hey kiddo.” He said to Patton, “You must be Janus.” Patton’s dad held his hand out. Janus nodded and shook it, “Y-yes sir.”

“Ahh no need to call me sir. Just call me Larry. Anyway, I've heard a lot about you.”

Janus looked concerned at Patton, “Y-you have?”

Patton and Larry said at the same time, “All good things, all good things.” Both giggling afterwards. Janus gave a small smile, “Alright.”

“Ok folks, I don’t know everything that happened but I know enough to not pry on it to you kids. So I’ll let you be for now. Let me know if you wanna chat.”

“Thanks Dad.” Patton said. Janus sighed in relief. It was already weird enough being in someone else's car but telling his life story is a no go. So Janus simply stayed quiet as they drove to the foster care.

Once they arrived Mrs. Opal was outside the door, “Janus! Hey thank you so much for taking him back here, I was honestly so worried and mad I couldn’t take him down.”

“No problem! Just helping my kid’s friend out.”

Mrs. Opal was confused but interested, “Friend?”

Patton got out of the car, “That would be me miss! And uhh Janus.” He handed him a small piece of paper, “Here.”

Janus tilted his head, “W-what is this?”

“My phone number!” Patton exclaimed, “Just in case you ever want to chat outside of school.”

Janus gave a small smile and put it in his pocket, “Yeah… thanks.” He looked back at Mrs. Opal, “I uhh, probably should go, but umm, thank you. Truly thank you.”

“It was no problem.” Patton smiled, “It’s what friends do right?”

“I guess.”

“Well then I’ll keep doing that! Bye Janus!” Patton called out while getting back in the car.

“Bye Patton.” he said as he waved.

“So,” Mrs. Opal spoke up, “you have a friend now huh?”

Janus shrugged, “I guess so.”

Mrs. Opal smiled, “Well I’m proud of you.”

For the first time really… ever. Janus believed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13 done! Kudos comments and constructive criticism is appreciated!


	14. Author Note

Ok... so it’s been awhile

I will say this isn’t canceled. I guess “hiatus” is a better word for it

I have written apart of the next chapter, but I am stuck on this one part and I’ve been struggling to continue forward with it. I don’t understand why everyone is saying I’m a good writer when I’m not

Also my mental health... doesn’t exist. So it’s been hard to even just be motivated to write... anything 

I do appreciate all the nice comments, I have and will continue to reply to every single one. It’s been nice seeing that some people believe I am half decent at this (even if I don’t believe it myself)

So yeah... at some point the next chapter will be out, I’m trying my best to write it, thank you for all the kudos and comments. I am also sorry for letting you down

**Author's Note:**

> There is chapter one! I really hope you liked it! Kudos, comments, constructive criticism is all appreciated!!! Love you all!


End file.
